KABUL – On March 20th, 2025, Zalmay Khalilzad, the former U.S. Special Envoy to Afghanistan, decided to revisit the land he so lovingly helped dismantle. Like a cat burglar returning to admire the shattered remains of plates in a kitchen, Khalilzad couldn’t resist the urge to check in on his handiwork. After all, what’s the point of orchestrating geopolitical chaos if you can’t pop in for a victory lap every now and then?
His first order of business was to see how his distant cousins, the Taliban, were faring. Khalilzad has always had a soft spot for the group, not because of shared values (he’s more of a “fine wine and tailored suits” kind of guy), but because of their shared knack for making life miserable for the people of Afghanistan.
He wanted to ensure his cousins were keeping up the good work of running the country into the ground. After all, nothing says “family bonding” like collectively ruining a nation’s future.
“I just wanted to see if they needed any tips,” Khalilzad reportedly said, winking to the Taliban leaders. “You know, maybe you’ve forgotten how to properly oppress women or ban education.
I’m here to help!” The Taliban, ever gracious hosts, assured him they were doing just fine. In fact, they’d recently introduced a new line of restrictions on personal freedoms, which they proudly showcased like a new product line at a tech conference. Khalilzad nodded approvingly, muttering, “Innovative. I ummmma! it.”
Next on his itinerary was a tour of the country to visit his victims—millions of people left to suffer under the regime he helped legitimize. Khalilzad, ever the people person, wanted to ensure they hadn’t forgotten him.
“A good villain always checks in on his victims,” he quipped, adjusting his tie. “It’s about maintaining brand recognition.”
But Khalilzad’s visit wasn’t all fun and games. He had a serious mission: negotiating the release of American prisoners held by the Taliban. Ever the dealmaker, he proposed a trade: the American prisoner in exchange for the entire population of Afghanistan, who were already prisoners in the Taliban’s dystopian system.
“It’s a win-win,” he explained to the Taliban. “You get to keep your human rights violations intact, and I get to look like a hero back home. Plus, think of the savings on prison upkeep!”
At the end of his trip, Khalilzad paid a solemn tribute to Mullah Omar’s empty grave in Zabul province. Kneeling dramatically, he placed a single black rose on the barren ground and whispered, “I’m treating your kids well, Mullah. Rest in one piece until I leave. Don’t explode.”
With that, he dusted off his suit, glanced at his watch, and strode back to his waiting convoy, leaving behind a trail of bewildered onlookers.