WASHINGTON – In a shocking but expected turn of events, Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada has reportedly sent a heartfelt congratulatory message to the U.S. President Donald Trump for his bold plan to dismantle the Department of Education.
“Finally, no more Western propaganda masquerading as ‘education’!” the message read. Akhundzada praised Trump’s vision of an America free from the tyranny of critical thinking, science, and gender equality, calling it “a beacon of hope for Akhundzada regimes everywhere.”
But that’s not all. The Taliban leader also expressed admiration for Trump’s signature move of deporting and detaining critics.
“We’ve been doing this for years, but seeing it done in the land of opportunities is truly inspiring,” Akhundzada reportedly wrote. “Nothing says ‘democracy’ like silencing dissent and throwing your enemies in cages. Bravo!”
Hibatullah didn’t stop there. He also applauded Trump’s disdain for the International Criminal Court. The Taliban leader noted that Trump’s decision to pressure ICC judges and undermine any institution attempting to deliver what he calls “fake justice” was nothing short of vestblowing.(Unfamiliar with the concept of a “mind,” the Taliban leader mistakenly used “vestblowing” instead of “mindblowing.”)
“Who needs accountability when you can just bully your way out of it?” Akhundzada reportedly added, clearly impressed by Trump’s ability to dodge consequences with flair.
At the end of his congratulatory letter, Hibatullah offered Trump some unsolicited advice: “Copy my master trick of hiding in a cave, addressing the crowd with your back turned, and justifying every questionable move with religion.”
Akhundzada added to his letter with a mumble, “With the will of God, you’ll stay in power forever—if you listen to me carefully. Keep making America great again and again until you drop dead. I made Afghanistan great just by being a lifelong Ameer. It’s foolproof!”