In the annals of human history, few figures have been as profoundly unnecessary as Mullah Hassan Akhund, the Taliban’s prime minister. A man so utterly devoid of charisma, intellect, and purpose that even his turban is ashamed of protecting his head from a chilly wind.
Yet, the Taliban, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to spend a staggering 64 million on his protection. Yes, you read that correctly —64 million on his protection.
Yes again, 64 million to protect a man who, if left unattended on a street corner in Kabul, would struggle to command the attention of a stray dog to bark on him, let alone an assassin.
Mullah Akhund is so invaluable that even his fourth wife—bless her heart—cannot recall the color of his eyes or how many limbs he possesses. (For the record, it’s five though their functionality remains a subject of debate.)
Spending millions on his security is akin to guarding a rock in a locker in Vladmir Putin’s office. Trust me, if he were to be auctioned off in Rawalpindi, the bidding would start at minus $30,000, with potential buyers demanding compensation for the inconvenience of taking him home.
But let us not underestimate the man. After all, he is capable of breathing oxygen and blinking—a skill that, while not unique, is at least consistent.
His death, however, would be a boon to the environment, freeing up enough oxygen to sustain a two pot plants. And let’s not forget his thrilling speeches, which have been described as “the auditory equivalent of a fish’s revolutionary speech in the freezer of a supermarket.”
Let us think this for a moment. What, exactly, are the Taliban protecting? His unparalleled ability to consume oxygen? His remarkable talent for making rocks seem like dynamic conversationalists? Or perhaps his unique gift of moving at a pace that makes snail seem like Usain Bolt?
One can only imagine the Taliban’s high command sitting around a table, stroking their yellowish beards, and solemnly declaring, “This man is the cornerstone of our beautiful regime. Without him, we are nothing.” Indeed, Mullah Hassan Akhund is a man who defies all logic, all reason, and all sense of value.
He is, in every sense, the world’s most expendable man.
To celebrate his existence, let us raise a glass (of non-alcoholic vodka) to Mullah Akhund—a man who has achieved the impossible: being both utterly irrelevant and astronomically expensive at the same time.
May his legacy be remembered as a cautionary tale of wasted resources, misplaced priorities, and the enduring power of sheer, unadulterated nothingness.