KABUL, April 17, 2025 — When Russia scratched the Taliban off its terrorist list, the group celebrated with skyward gunfire that went rogue, turning a dusty Kabul lot into a 220-person obituary.
“We’re not terrorists anymore, Mujahidino!” bellowed Mullah Naeem Rockety, the Taliban’s ‘Minister of Love’, as he waved an AK-47 in the air. Russia’s diplomatic wink was their cue to celebrate, but with no women or ethnic minorities nearby to roast, Taliban skyshooters pivoted to Plan B: ‘to kill anyone around if there is no women, Panjsheri or Hazara available.‘
When asked about the incident by a YouTube journalist, the Taliban Minister of Love said, “This is mere propaganda. Our Mujahidin did not kill anyone. Some people lost their lives in the crossfire when clouds retaliated.” The YouTuber was found dead later in the evening. The reason for his death was announced as ‘heart attack due to internal bleeding’ by the doctors.
António Guterres, the UN Secretary General, once again condemned the incident without naming the perpetrator and called on both parties to the conflict (including the cloud) to refrain from targeting civilians. He strongly urged gravity not to return bullets when shot at pink clouds.
Russia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs said in a press statement that Russia regrets its delisting decision. “If it was not for a bribe we received from the Amir of Qatar on his recent visit to Moscow, we would have never made this crazy decision,” the statement reads.
The Taliban’s Deputy Supreme Leader, Mullah Blastuddin, who is currently in exile to secure his life from his boss’s suicide squad, seemed genuinely surprised by the world’s negative reaction. “People are so sensitive these days,” remarked Mullah Blastuddin. “Back in my day, a few dozen accidental deaths were just part of a good time.” He closed his remarks by closing his eyes to avoid seeing facts.