NEW DELHI: In a bold escalation of “diplomatic confusion,” Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi has threatened to send two more Abhinandan Varthamans across the border—this time, with extra training in “how to survive Pakistani memes.”
“The nation is fully prepared to pay the price—and the TikTok roasting,” Modi declared, adding that the new recruits have “mastered the art of absorbing punches while maintaining perfect mustache composure.
Sources confirm the pilots were also given crash courses in “saying ‘Vande Mataram’ in interrogations” and “looking photogenic in handcuffs.”
Meanwhile, Bollywood has pledged its support to the armed forces by producing five new films in which a single Indian actor annihilates the entire Pakistani military—while sipping tea.
Industry insider Chakarboti Raj revealed: “This time, our hero won’t even get a scratch. He’ll wipe out battalions between sips of filter coffee—without spilling a drop. Realism has nothing to do with life.“
Pakistan’s Counterstrike
Not to be outdone, Pakistan’s Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif fired back: “This time, we’re keeping the pilots. We will issue him an instant Pakistani citizenship, then off to Saudi Arabia to beg. We need remittances.“
Analysts say this could finally solve Pakistan’s forex crisis, as “Abhinandan’s tearful TikTok pleas” may earn more than the national budget.
The Pakistani Army also dismissed Bollywood’s theatrics. “The era of one Indian actor destroying us is over,” declared General Junaid Akram, unveiling Pakistan’s new defense strategy: “Patriotic songs with 200% more dhol and baja.”
“Our NACH GHANAS will certainly defend country’s borders, our plots, Askari Cement, and our generals’ real estate empires—in real time,” he boasted. Military bands are reportedly rehearsing “Dil Dil Muslim Commercial Bank” at decibel levels capable of shattering eardrums—and possibly Indian morale.